Energy

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of energy is: ability to be active; the physical or mental strength that allows you to do something. For me, the ability to do these things is getting harder and harder. I am exhausted what feels like all the time, and am needing to take a nap pretty much everyday (yesterday I took a 3-3 1/2 hour nap) and am still able to go to bed at 9, at the latest 10 o'clock. I sleep very soundly and deeply, so much so that I don't hear the fire alarm, and yet wake up feeling like I haven't gotten much sleep. Having an increase in muscle weakness, and joint swelling and stiffness makes my energy level lower. 

Since the treatment I am receiving is more palliative, and to "keep me from falling off the cliff", one of the key factors is energy conservation. My battery runs out quickly, and unlike most people, who when they rest their battery recharges (like a phone charging when it dies), my battery only recharges very little. So I have to learn to function on the short "battery" life that I have. To make things more tricky, with this decline, that battery life is changing, so keeping up with it is a challenge. In order for me to go out and do things, I have to really plan, in order to make sure that I can participate. That means if I am doing something in the evening, making sure I get a nap in, and if I can, not doing to much the rest of the day. This is something that is very difficult for me, because I really enjoy doing a lot, and I don't want to miss out on anything. But at the same time, when I am participating in something I want to be able to engage and participate, and mentally be there. 

Lately, the realization of how my by battery life is not where it used to be is hard, physically and emotionally. Physically, because when I go to do something that I was able to do a few weeks and months ago is now so much harder to do. My muscles are just weaker. Emotionally its a challenge, because I have the desire and the want to go out and do things that I can no longer do. and I have to choose sometimes if I want to do this activity or that activity, when I want to do both. For example, over Spring Break, my mom and I went out to lunch, and then to a store to buy a few items of clothing (we weren't there very long). When we were done, I went home and crashed because I was so tired. A few weeks/months ago I was able to do that, and yes I would have been tired, but not as exhausted as I was. I also think that stopping a medication that has stimulant properties in it, has made the fatigue worse. Although the medication didn't energize me as much as it normally would, it did help a bit. Trying to keep up with my changing battery life, and adapting to it is a challenge. Learning different tools for energy conservation has been key. Noticing how my ability to walk the "short"distances that I have been able to becoming increasingly difficult, has been a challenge in and of itself. 

There has been one source of energy that recharges me, and that is God, and my faith. I find that in the morning when I wake up feeling tired, doing my morning prayers and devotions charges me up. When I feel drained, whether physically or emotionally, turning to God, reading a piece of scripture, or even silently praying a short prayer, helps me to feel energized. God gives me the strength that I need to get going, and helps me to have a positive and joyful attitude, which are energizing itself. There are two scripture verses that give me strength and energy. The first is Philippians 4:13 which says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." The second, is Isaiah 40:29 which says, "He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength." Both of these verses help me to remember how Christ is the one who gives me the strength that I need, and when I am feeling weak and low on energy, to turn to him. He is my ultimate power source. By just remembering that, I am already feeling energized. 


Joyful Love
         &
Blessings In The Lord
Alexandra K. Acosta