Note: I wrote a post last year around this time about the back to school season, and me not going to school. If some of the stuff seems a bit redundant I apologize As long as I continue to have this blog (and being of an age where I would be doing some sort of education), I will be posting about back to school and the end of school, and the impact this time of year has on me because I am not able to go to school. With my mom working in education, I can't seem to escape the "school" schedule. So please bear with me.
Its that time of year again, when we begin to see the commercials on TV advertising back to school sales for clothes and shoes. Staples and Office Depot advertise the specials their having on the latest notebooks, backpacks, pencils, and all the other school supplies you can imagine. Wal-Mart, HEB, and other grocery stores advertise the sales and deals that their having on quick breakfasts, and items typically found in kids lunch boxes, as well as some general school supplies. And side-tracking for a minute, it seems that each year the notebooks, rulers, calculators, backpacks, other school supplies, and now tablets are looking more colorful and appealing. What happened to the simple blue, red, green, and yellow spirals and binders, and wooden or clear plastic rulers? I admit I love all the bright and new school supplies, when I go into an office supply store, I am like a kid in a candy store. But getting back on track now, seeing all of these commercials and advertisements for back to school stuff, has always been the sign for me ever since I can remember, that summer is winding down and school is preparing to start. Now its a sign that my mom is headed back to work after having a few weeks off, and that I, unlike my friends, am not preparing to return to school (college). Its a very tough time for me emotionally because its just another reminder of what my illness has taken a way from me, my ability to be able to attend college. Me being the Type-A, organized planner that I am, I would be healthy (or at least having my disease under control), and taking classes at Texas State University in San Marcos, where I would be getting my undergraduate degree in child development, and have a job maybe being a nanny or babysitter to a family, and then earning my child-life track degree (the equivalence of a masters), becoming a child-life specialist working in the Hem/Onc or BMT unit at Children's Medical Center in Dallas or Texas Children's in Houston, or working as a child-life specialist for palliative care and/or hospice. Instead, I am trying to figure out how I am going to get my diploma, with my condition steadily declining, and me continuing to do weekly chemo, the combination of the two causing issues with memory and my ability to focus.
Its difficult to see my friends have jobs, progress in college, live on their own and be able to drive and be independent. I on the other hand have never able to learn how to drive a car, have been to sick to get my diploma, need help with daily tasks, not being able to walk without a walker, or very far for that matter, and cannot be left alone for more than a few hours. I think for me the most difficult thing to deal with, aside from the physical issues, is my education. I have always done well in school, have a passion for learning, and before I got sick, was a straight A student, and a member of the National Junior Honor Society. Seeing and hearing about back to school, just brings back the flood of emotions I have about not being able to graduate from high school with my friends, and attend college. I have been turning to God, and talking with friends and my therapist, to help me deal with all that I am feeling. I think whats harder than not actually being able to go to college, is that because of my memory and focus issues, I can't study for more than 30 minutes at a time, with an hour to an hour and a half break needed, to where collectively I can only study about two hours a day. For someone who has a passion for learning, I feel as though that I have this bright mind trapped inside this sick body.
I have had to learn to accept the fact that my body is not strong, and that one of the many side-effects of the medicine that is keeping me alive, and giving me some sort of a quality of life, as well as my illness itself, is that I have difficulty with memory and focus. My faith and the Lord help me to know that this is not something that I can control, and its not because of something I did or didn't do, its just the reality of the situation. I pray that God will give me the strength that I need to be able to function as best that I can. I know that God did not do this to me, but my faith in him has helped me to try to stay as positive and joyful as I can. Studies have shown that a negative outlook and attitude does have an affect on whether or not a person can improve or get worse health wise. Ephesians 4:23 says, "...to be made new in the attitude of your minds:..." I love this verse, because it helps me to know that with a positive and joyful attitude and mind, I can be fresh and new. This encourages me to stay positive during this time of year, when things can be emotionally difficult. I can't change the situation, but I know that with positive mindset, love and support from my friends and family, and faith and strength in God, I can learn to accept the fact that my life is different then what I hoped or imagined it would be, but it is still wonderful and blessed. That is what matters most.
On another note, things have been as "stable" as possible health wise. I had chemo yesterday, and am feeling a bit blah, but Sunday is the worst because the IV anti-nausea meds have worn off. I have been having some difficulty in getting some lab work that Dr. Carrasco ordered. Apparently it cannot be drawn out of my port-o-cath because the heparin they use to prevent clots would interfere with the particular tests he needs. Unfortunately because my veins are so sclerotic and damaged from all the chemo, and steroids, and because blood can't be drawn out of my left arm due to the blood clot in my neck, none of the labs will draw from me. The nurses were going to do it peripherally yesterday while I was at chemo, but I found out that one of the tests required that I needed to be fasting 12 hours before the test. I had known about the tests for a while, but this was the first time that I heard that I needed to fast. I first thought I will just fast before my next chemo, but I realized with all the meds and the chemo, fasting before would not be a good idea because I would get a really bad headache and get sick. With all the meds that I take (a lot of which require I eat something), I don't usually fast unless I absolutely have to, like I am being sedated for a procedure. This coming Thursday, I will be having both wrists, knees, and ankles injected with steroids. This will be done at Dell Children's Hospital, and since I will be sedated for the procedure, which will require me to fast, I am hoping they can do the blood work their, since they have nurses and anesthesiologists that know how to do IV on difficult patients. I have had these injections a few times before, and although they didn't work as well as they were supposed to, for as long as they were supposed to, with all the difficulty I am having now I would rather have a little relief then none. I am definitely a bit sore afterwards, but I know it will go away in a few days. Please pray that these injections will provide me more relief than they have in the past, and for a longer period. I appreciate all the love, support, and encouragement from all of you. Each one of you are truly a blessing to me and my family. I can't say thank you enough.
Joyful Love
&
Blessings In The Lord
Alexandra K. Acosta
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